Time To Swallow My Pride!

Time To Swallow My Pride!

Back in January I was told by my dentist that I have to have my 4 lower front teeth out due to them being loose and no way of saving them. When I went in I thought it would have been only the really loose one to come out … imagine how I felt when she told me that there are four!

Being 39, long time single, concerned about what people will think of me with a small denture in and a knock to my already deteriorating self esteem … it really isn’t feeling too great!

Not Mine! But gives you an idea of what teeth I need to have removed.

Now the time has come for the teeth to come out as they are causing a large amount of pain. I have put this off since January as I am petrified to have them out and I don’t cope with pain the best of times (HUGE sensory overload!). Plus I feel ashamed I have to have them out. Okay granted being headbutted by little over excited kids and dogs over the years didn’t help, nor a goat accidently butting me. So, all in all it is technically my fault.

But I already have low self esteem and I don’t think I am a catch – even more so now I have to have four damn teeth out! Oh, and glad I don’t speak because the dentist said that if I was to speak I would probably have a lisp for a week or so.

I have since looked up partial dentures and so on it doesn’t look too bad. But I still don’t like the idea.

All I can think of is what people are going to think of me and will anyone want someone with a partial denture in? It is all affecting me mood and plus the worry about coping on my own with the after pain (I have never been on my own when I have had a tooth out).

Am I scared? Yes I blooming well am! And I am not ashamed to admit it.

Open Letter To Those Who Screwed Me Over …

Open Letter To Those Who Screwed Me Over …

I know certain people that were in my life will read this, as they do stalk my profile (yes, you know who you are!) so this is my chance to say my piece …

You treated me like crap. Sulked because I was ill and I couldn’t do something for you I said that I would. You accused me of stealing food and medications from you when I didn’t. You treated me like shit when I was at my most low and mentally fragile. Yet, I was ALWAYS there for you no matter what. The time the ex screwed you over, the time you self harmed and your friend had to call me to let me know what happened, the time I babysat just so you can do parent things, got your kids new shoes and stuff for a school trip, gave you food when you needed it more than me, Put my life at risk to babysit for you because you had a major hissy fit, looked after the dogs when you had to go to the hospital when you were suicidal … the list can go on and on here, but I will leave it at that.

YOU burnt the bridge – not me.
YOU turned on me and I will never forget.
YOU said that I couldn’t sell my art and I have sold almost all my works in 2 weeks.
YOU put me down behind my back and I found out.
YOU lost the one person who would have still helped if only you treated me better.
YOU treated me like I was stupid and put me down.
YOU have made me the person I am today.

This is mainly aimed at three people and all three have one thing in common: Narcissism.

Two of you have stripped me of what kept me going. What kept me afloat mentally. But as long as you got what you wanted I didn’t matter. All three of you caused me to never trust anyone ever again. Congrats! You have won Oscars for the biggest self absorbed arsehats in my 39 years.

I never want to hear or speak to you again. Ever. So remove me from your phones etc. You are nothing to me, like I was to you.

Muted

Muted

I can speak. I can hear. But I am mute.

This is normally only in certain situations. Alas, more recently I have had the urge not to speak anymore due to the fact each time I say something it is thrown back at me. It has knocked my self esteem and so I rarely speak, if at all.

Selective mutism described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth edition (DSM-IV) and Fifth edition (DSM-5) as a rare anxiety disorder. It is also a trait in some Autistic people.

Mute. Credit to original artist.

Recently I explained to someone about my mutism and dating. This is the conversation:

Them: “When you say mute you mean communication By message ?
It’s an introduction I Guess but l think best to actually talk In the end!”

Me: “Mute means that I don’t physically speak. Well, most the time. Depending on the situation and the people.”

Them: “I get that, could make dating difficult , unless you felt you could talk to someone. I am not the most talkative of people myself!”

Me: “It’s only difficult if others make it so.”

First off, ‘Mute’ does not mean ‘mute’, in the sense of being unable to utter a sound.

‘Mute’ can mean not being able to say words or speak a language of any kind.

Michelle Westerfall puts it like this:

Deaf people find the word “mute” to be offensive as we *do* have a language. In America it is American Sign Language (ASL) and it has its own grammar. Therefore, we are not “mute.” Voice should not be the only ‘accepted’ means of transmitting a language. We transmit our language through our hands, just as hearing people transmit their language through their mouths.

That quote is from Michele Westfall’s answer to What does it feel to be deaf, blind, or physiologically mute? Do they feel isolated? Or are we the only ones who feel bad about them because they probably feel comfortable to be like this since birth?

There are people who do not use oral language and do produce non-speech sounds such as laughing, crying, sighing, grunting, etc. I still laugh, cry, grunt and sigh. Hell, I can even roll my eyes!

There are many things that can cause a person to become mute.

  1. Injury to the brain part which is responsible for interpreting language.
  2. Problem with parts responsible for speech e.g. oesophagus, tongue, mouth, vocal cords etc
  3. Trauma
  4. Aphasia (damage of the cerebral centres of language)
  5. Aphonia (inability to produce any voice) caused by injury, illness, or paralysis of vocal box
  6. Autism
  7. Down syndrome.

The above mentioned are some of the causes of muteness or mutism.

We are not stupid. We can communicate, whether it is through sign language, a whiteboard or Google translate (yes I use this on occasion). To say that it is a “problem” is making out that it is the mute person’s fault – and it’s not.

Imagine how it is for us. To be ignored because people cannot get to know a person before making a judgement on their disabilities. Bad enough being on the spectrum and being un-dateable, but to be judged on other things must be down right heart breaking!

How Autism Affects Me And Daily Life…

How Autism Affects Me And Daily Life…

Autism can sometimes be different in women and men.

For example, autistic women may be quieter, may hide their feelings and may appear to cope better with social situations and everyday life, this is called masking.

This also means it can be harder to tell you’re autistic if you’re a woman.

The symptoms I have:

– Can’t make eye contact
– Having a very keen interest in certain subjects or activities
– Getting very upset if someone touches or gets too close to me
– Finding it hard to say how I feel
– Getting very anxious about social situations
– Can’t cope with loud and certain sounds
– Stimming when nervous/upset or thinking
– Sleep issues
– Anxiety
– Clumsy
– Issues with social interactions/making friends etc
– Nature focused
– Conversation issues
– The need for routine

Yes, it looks like tough work, but it is tougher for me than people on the outside. Especially if my routine is upset … oh boy that is a nightmare.

But once you know how to help support that person it comes rather fluidly.

No one is easy to live with. Not one person.

Strengths of autism include:

• Strong long-term memory skills
• Math, computer, musical, artistic skills
• Thinking in a visual way
• Punctuality
• Honesty
• Detail oriented
• Independent thinking
• Loyalty
• Non-judge mental listening

The Language Of Love … For Autistics.

The Language Of Love … For Autistics.

I found this wonderful page on Facebook called Unashamed Voices Of Autism and I spotted a couple of pictures about Love and Autism.

This is very interesting for me because it will help me explain me, and others, a bit better.

I know from experience that people are put off by people with autism. I have had my fair share of it believe you me! People see the word autism and act like we are hard work. We’re not once you get to know us.

Dating is not easy for the best of us, but it is more difficult for us who are on the Autistic Spectrum.

One of my bugbears is the fact people stereotype us. It really annoys me to the dang extreme. And my other bugbear is the fact that once you mention that you’re on the Spectrum you are shunned and shoved to one side. This makes me more depressed at times, especially when you talk to someone that shows interest, you tell them that you are Autistic, they say that they haven’t met anyone with Autism before, then they eventually ignore you. That makes me feel like shit. But it does show what sort of person they are … Narrow escape.

I don’t make very good eye contact, I don’t know how to flirt, I don’t like busy places (if I can avoid it I will), I listen more than I speak (until I have worked out that person), I will watch your body language and facial expressions (not every ASD person does this, but I know a few who do, plus it is one of my main interests) … So, as you can see that people will feel a little awkward. Understandable. But don’t let it put you off, these are simple things to navigate.

As an ASD person I have a specific set of interests:
– Hoodoo
– The paranormal and Supernatural
– Art
– Body Language, Facial and Micro Expressions
– Psychology
– Some aspects of Law
– Physics
– Some History
– Music; especially Spanish Romani Gypsy music.
– Animals (now who doesn’t love animals?)

That is what my life revolves around. It is what interests me. And it is tough finding someone who is interested in just one or two of those, because you don’t want someone with nothing in common. The ones in bold are the main four that interest me the most.

If I have a conversation with someone, for example: clothes, I never know what to say. Not because I am being distant or rude, but because it is not what I am interested in. I am more of a jeans and t-shirt kinda gal.

Small talk is another issue for me. If people cannot make the effort to have a reasonable conversation with me, then why should I reply? Yes, I know that sort of contradicts what I just stated about me not knowing what to say, but to be fair it is a tad different. I am polite and I will reply if someone asks me how I am etc, but I never reply to just “Hi” anymore.

Some ASD people do get worried, and at times scared, to date and that is perfectly natural. We all do I guess. But I used to mask a lot. Masking is hiding that I am Autistic, controlling my stims and emotions (I am passionate about some things)… I get very nervous meeting people in person compared to online. It is a lot easier to talk online… there is no awkward silence whilst you’re both looking around the place trying to think of what to say to one another, I don’t like that feeling.

Sensory issues … Yeah, this is a good one. I used to go to gigs and the such, nowadays I can’t because of the noise and the amount of people around. Then there is the touching and hugging – I don’t like being hugged. I get very uncomfortable. Even with my family … and I come from a Spanish Romani family who LOVE to hug everyone from my brothers to the family parrot.

If you are neurotypical and reading this:

We are human just like you. We are just a little different. There will be up and down times like any other relationship. We are smart people and not r***rds like many will assume, so don’t treat us as such.

If you are not willing to get to know a person with Autism then you need to stop and move on. Because we don’t take rejection to great, especially when you have not taken the time to get to know us. What you see on TV and in movies is not and accurate depiction of ASD. But, you carry on believing that if you must.

Don’t, I repeat, don’t try to change that person. This is the worse thing you can do. It is not only wrong and controlling but it is disrespectful! You accept us for who we are. End of. Try and change me I will personally kick your arse out into the street! And I will make sure you bounce to the kerb.

Growing up, I was always a bit awkward, and I often struggled to interpret subtle romantic signals from everyday interaction. I am still like this to an extent. Like I said earlier – I like directness in people. Tell it to me straight.

I will leave you with this picture:

Once Again…

Once Again…

I feel lonely and I’m bitter towards the whole damn world right now. It’s not because of my bad relationships, it’s because I don’t feel accepted.

Lockdown has made me think a lot about my life. I have no friends near by. If something were to happen no bugger would notice!

I used to try to be friendly to people (not too friendly, but enough not to come across ice maiden), but it seems like they don’t accept me. Being H-F Autistic it does impede me a little.

People insult me, and disrespect me all the time. My family tell me I need to open up more, but it seems like whenever I try, people just shoot me down and I go back into my self-conscious shell. I feel that I can’t ever just walk around comfortably in my own skin anymore, I always feel so stressed out.

I feel afraid just to be myself, and truthfully, I don’t even know if I’ve “found myself” as they say, cause I feel very confused about everything. I’ve never had a decent fella, and guys never seem to like me, and I just mean in general, they don’t even like me as a friend.

I feel so lonely and isolated from everyone else, my view of the world has became so dark. The worst part is I am 39, the people I see walk around carefree and happy, while I’m miserable as hell. I’m not suicidal as before, nor even considering it, but I just don’t know anymore…

Evil walks among us, wearing a mask which looks like all our faces.

Evil walks among us, wearing a mask which looks like all our faces.

We wear the mask that grins and lies, It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,- – This debt we pay to human guile; With torn and bleeding hearts we smile And mouth with myriad subtleties. Why should the world be otherwise, In counting all our tears and sighs? Nay, let them only see thus, while We wear the mask. We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries To thee from tortured souls arise. We sing, but oh the clay is vile Beneath our feet, and long the mile; But let the world dream otherwise, We wear the mask!

– Paul Laurence Dunbar

There have been a number of tweets from both sides of the mask wearing debate.

The most recent, and hilariously cringeworthy, one is from a Manchester musician (is he even that now?) Badly Drawn Boy:

Isn’t he a lovely ole chap? Such compassion and empathy he shows in that very tweet. What a guy!

Just a small list of those who cannot wear masks:

– Those who have been sexually abused/bullied/domestic abuse and violence victims/ anything trauma related and their face had been covered.
– Those with Autism and sensory issues.
– Those who are deaf and have another person with them to be able to lip read.
– Those with breathing issues; Asthma, COPD et al.

I am two of those. Autism and trauma related. I cannot wear a mask. I have a fear of suffocation.

Badly Drawn Gitbag has mentioned in his compassionate tweet that those who do not wear masks need to, *checks notes*, “grow up”.

Clearly, his brain is lacking the oxygen it needs to actually think rationally and from every damn side. Dude, take off the mask and THINK for once. But then again if you are tweeting you aren’t writing, so….

I will never dream in a thousand years tweeting what this prat has. He has no idea of the possible consequences of his ill written B.S of a tweet.

There is no end of science saying that masks do a lot more harm than good, yet people are pushing the whole mask scenario. Do you like not being able to see people smile? To see happy, sad, neutral faces? We, as a species, thrive from seeing others faces. It is basic psychology.

It annoys me when someone with a mask on speaks to me and all I can hear is mumbling, which then leads to…

Led Zeppelin ‘Communication Breakdown’

As a 39 year old woman with Autism and the need to read others faces I am severely struggling with people wearing masks. It makes me feel very uncomfortable as I cannot see their facial/micro expressions.

‘Oh but you can read body language can’t you?’

Giphy

Yes, but that is not as effective for me, as an Autistic person who gets by reading facial/micro expressions! Some people need a good kick in the tits, I swear….

Who else has been on the ‘You must wear a mask’ rampage …

Some vegan, man bun wearing muppet called @LinetonMarks (nothing against vegans by the way as I know loads) says:

‘We need zero Covid and zero tolerance for people flouting the rules. Australia have the right idea, we need to jail anti-mask protesters’

When a user called Louise asked what his strategy would be, our good ole vegan pal replied:

‘Masks 24/7, increase social distancing to 3 metres, 14 day quarantine camps like New Zealand, increase policing measures ala Melbourne, and a thorough lockdown until April.’

Giphy

I know some of us have kinks, but seriously … does this guy get a lob on thinking about these sort of things? Just curious.

I am not wearing a mask, even if I could I bloody well wouldn’t. Why? Because I follow the science. There are so many videos from doctors to members of the public who have shown that masks are no fudging good!

When are people going to start waking up a little?

People are loosing their jobs, lives, families, homes and there is a majority who are fearmongered into the Governments submission.

On a more prouder note for me, Spain you are coming around to no masks! I applaud you my friends.

¡Libertad!

I like to do a little thank you list:

– Anna Brees
– Simon Dolan
– Denise Welch
– The Levellers (For keeping me going with music)
– Emma Kenny
– Piers Corbyn
– And anyone else who thinks outside the box
.

Thank you all for the work you do and the little bit of sanity you are keeping me.

I think that about covers it….

Title of this blog is courtesy of Dean Koontz

A lot of you cared, just not enough.

A lot of you cared, just not enough.

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”

― David Foster Wallace

It’s hard being on the Autistic Spectrum with mental health and physical health issues added ontop.


As your physical ailments take a toll it starts to affect your mental health. Then the added aspect of Autism traits. Things start to get mixed up and fractured with the whole notion.


I am, obviously, High Functioning Autistic along with PTSD and a lot of the symptoms that come with it, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Fibromyalgia, possible developing Arthritis and Poly Cystic Ovaries. Yeah, a lot isn’t it? But I do count CFS/FMS as one.


Now, I know it looks alot and for an outsider looks like a lot to “deal with” but for the average outsider it is huge. For me is is 10 fold.


Each day is a struggle to get out of bed.
Each day is a struggle to wash and brush my teeth.
Each day is a struggle to keep my head above the sea of depression.
I have no friends, no family, no support.
Been single since 2015 when my last relationship broke down.

Normal is something I am not. Okay, so you ask “What is normal?” … To me normal is to be able to make friends, not be shunned by guys, to be good at something, to be healthy enough to have a job and a social life.


The whole Covid 19 situation has made things a thousand times worse. I have started to crave companionship, whether it a friend or partner, but that is not reality for me. Just a mere dream. Stuck inside 24/7, unable to communicate with people.


My sisters are even spending time with one another, which is a bloody brilliant thing. That was a long time coming, but they got there. The sad thing is that I am crying as I wish I had something like that.

All I have is the spirits I looks over and the neighbours cat that pops in once every so often. And for years I thought that is all I need. But current circumstances have made me feel more and more isolated and alone. I love the spirits I watch over, alas I need someone living to understand me and love me for who I am.

I am fed up of going to bed each night wondering how long I can carry on with this and how I can end my life painlessly and quickly. Just want an end to all this misery and cursed life.

“I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. I’m not doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know?”

― Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story

When You Crave What You Know You Won’t Get…

When You Crave What You Know You Won’t Get…

Nobody’s perfect
All of the time
Nobody’s perfect
We are what we are
There’s no perfect reason
And no perfect rhyme
For most of the time
That’s what we’re looking for

I have been on a real shitty one of late, and I have been thinking about a few things. Especially tonight when my damn twat of an ex was bragging about how much money he makes and how many things he has going ….

Next year I turn 40. I have nothing to show for it, nothing for my kids to be proud of, not a fucking thing! And I am angry and ashamed of myself.

I tried my own Hoodoo business – failed.
I tried selling my art – failed.
I tried so many things but everything goes wrong. And I just want something to go right.

Then there is the fact that no one wants me as a friend or a partner due to three things:
– I am a gypsy woman.
– I am autistic.
– I have PTSD and a few physical health issues.

Yes, people have made that clear! Now right out, but there is a reason they ignore and by pass me.

People like me, with Autism and mental health issues are NOT stupid, psycho, weird etc etc. We are living people just like you – a heartbeat and lungs that help us breathe. We are not broken, just put together differently.

I have recently started to crave a partner and a few friends, but I know deep down that I won’t have that. And it just hits me so hard that I will, most likely, be spending my life alone. It hurts a lot!

“Autistic people are individuals. We are not all maths geniuses, we don’t all like trains. I am hopeless with technology and much prefer painting. There is no ‘typical Autistic.’ But I think we probably all like being respected and validated.” — Jeanette Purkis

I wish sometimes that I was normal. No autism. No PTSD. No physical health issues. Just someone who can make friends easily and love normally.

A Piece Of Advice …

A Piece Of Advice …

This guy is a real fun one to get to know. Except he won’t let you get to know him. Why? Who knows, but in the space of a week he has messaged me 3 separate times.

First off was okay, we chatted about post lockdown. Then he stopped messaging after only 3 messages. Few days later he is messaging me again with the same opening message as before. I told him that he ignored me the first time why bother coming back and not just carry on with the message? Then this morning, yes you guessed it, he returned again with that same message! Oh woe me … give me strength.

Just for the record I still have the same pictures up the time he first contacted me, so why did he not recognise me? He did but thought I’d forget who he was – ha, he is not that lucky!

One thing about me I can recognise others despite the length of time, and I most certainly recognise someone after 3 days from the last time I spoke to them. So what is this guy’s deal? Why did he ghost me? I didn’t say anything wrong and found his little quip rather funny … then nothing.

But why ghost?

Most people who ghost on others do so for one or more of the following reasons:

  • They do not like confrontations and do not want to have to deal with the other person’s reactions.
  • They have a history of avoiding difficult conversations.
  • They find it easier to just disappear than tell the truth.
  • They rationalize ghosting as less hurtful than saying that they no longer want to see the other person.
  • They do not care about the other person’s feelings, just their own.
  • They have a history of ghosting people.
  • They want to preserve their image as a good person. If they told you to your face that they no longer want to see you, they could not avoid seeing your hurt feelings, anger, and disappointment. They would then feel like a bad person for hurting you.
  • Some people believe that if they leave without any explanation, it will be easier to return later.

I am going to take a guess at history of ghosting people with this one. This is a cruel and selfish way to end a friend/relationship because the other person is left without an explanation or any form of closure. So I guess I have had another close call.

Now is it any wonder that men complain that women don’t trust them … I mean when you got guys like this schmuck running around and being a complete ball-less skin tube because he cannot handle what ever mummy issues he may have is it really any wonder? Look at it from our side, would you put up with it? No. Okay then that’s settled!

We, as a species, look for comfort and friendship in others. We are social beings. Isolation, depression, lack of social interaction can have dire consequences. And I am not over exaggerating there, people can die of a broken heart.

I have my issues, granted, but I still deserve respect and honesty. If you don’t want to talk to me then don’t. But please don’t start talking then ghost me without a valid reason. People like me with HFA (High Functioning Autism) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) do deserve the same amount of respect and honesty as a non ASD/PTSD person. It does affect us when we are trying to find a way to navigate around social situations and form relationships with others. For me I want nothing more than someone to accept me for me and friends that will do the same, not people to treat me like I have a low I.Q and unstable mentally. You didn’t get to know me, you didn’t take enough time to get to know me. You, like countless others before you, judged and assumed.

As soon as you saw the words ‘Autism’ and ‘PTSD’ you ran. You ignored me. Why? Because you think that I am going to be a difficult friend/partner? How do you know this, please do share … oh that’s right! You go by what you ‘think’ you know and not educated yourself by asking and researching.

I have heard of people who have taken their own lives because they were isolated, alone, scared and shunned. Think twice before you start messing around with someone’s feelings. Take the time to actually get to know them before you run away like a stuck up little brat.

For years I have been bullied and shunned because I am different. For years I have gone to bed crying wishing I could wake up as someone else. For years I begged God to help me (and I am not religious). For years I tried to fit in, but couldn’t. For years I wished I wasn’t born. Is this the way anyone should be thinking? Of course not.

There is not one moment where I look at others with their significant others or their friends and I wish I could have the same. I wish so damn hard for just one person to understand and accept me for me. Fed up of crying each night, fed up of struggling to make friends, fed up of being treated like shit – hence why I started to write this blog. That guy is the last straw and I need to get all this out before I blow a fuse. . .

Be more accepting of others…

You might be surprised.